Please! You have to see this. It's hilarious! But be sure to watch until the very end. I laughed so hard I gagged!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
ONE YEAR!
So one year ago today, I arrived in New York, and at this very moment one year ago my mother and I were assembling my Ikea bed.
It's amazing how the past year has been. Most of it has been very hard and not fun, but I think I'm a stronger person. I still miss San Francisco, and after my visit there for my birthday (which was one of my best), I realize that I'm supposed to be in New York. Even though my life as a performer has been at a stand-still, I try to remain optimistic that one day everything will fall into place.
Today, I've been reflecting on my one year in NYC, and I still haven't come up with any conclusive feelings about it, except that it's been very hard. What I've learned in the past year is that good friends, family, and "home" (wherever the heart is) are the most important things in my life right now. They are the foundation for my sense of well-being as well as my mental and emotional health. When I love and am loved in return, it brings the most amazing sense of peace and stillness to my spirit.
It's amazing how the past year has been. Most of it has been very hard and not fun, but I think I'm a stronger person. I still miss San Francisco, and after my visit there for my birthday (which was one of my best), I realize that I'm supposed to be in New York. Even though my life as a performer has been at a stand-still, I try to remain optimistic that one day everything will fall into place.
Today, I've been reflecting on my one year in NYC, and I still haven't come up with any conclusive feelings about it, except that it's been very hard. What I've learned in the past year is that good friends, family, and "home" (wherever the heart is) are the most important things in my life right now. They are the foundation for my sense of well-being as well as my mental and emotional health. When I love and am loved in return, it brings the most amazing sense of peace and stillness to my spirit.
Monday, February 4, 2008
... and back to SF again
So I will be 30 years old tomorrow, which will probably be the last time anyone can say to me, "You don't look a day over thirty!" At least, tomorrow will be the last day when that statement is 100% true. Anyway, I digress...
My friends flew me back to San Francisco to celebrate. It has been a wonderful trip. Highlights thus far have included...
1. Playing Sims Castaway on R's Wii.
2. Seeing the mountains.
3. Getting a cheap, stylish, gay haircut in the castro.
4. Seeing Cloverfield and watching New York get torn to shreds from a safe distance.
5. Watching a cable car go by.
6. Renting a movie from my former neighborhood video store with K.
7. Eating at my favorite burger place, Flippers. (I screamed like a little girl when R drove me by there the day before)
8. Going to the beach in the rain.
9. Seeing my psychic and her baby in Oakland.
10. Dinner with family
11. Seeing ocean and mountains again.
12. Sunday afternoon nap.
13. Karaoke extravaganza party and seeing ALL my San Francisco friends. (that's right... if you didn't come, you aren't my friend... lol)
14. Going to one of my fav. neighborhood bars in the castro.
So, the birthday week is not yet over. I have more activities planned for today and tomorrow before heading back to NYC on Wednesday... that is if it's still there. It seems the Cloverfield monster didn't leave much standing. That's okay though, because I can always come back to SF.
My friends flew me back to San Francisco to celebrate. It has been a wonderful trip. Highlights thus far have included...
1. Playing Sims Castaway on R's Wii.
2. Seeing the mountains.
3. Getting a cheap, stylish, gay haircut in the castro.
4. Seeing Cloverfield and watching New York get torn to shreds from a safe distance.
5. Watching a cable car go by.
6. Renting a movie from my former neighborhood video store with K.
7. Eating at my favorite burger place, Flippers. (I screamed like a little girl when R drove me by there the day before)
8. Going to the beach in the rain.
9. Seeing my psychic and her baby in Oakland.
10. Dinner with family
11. Seeing ocean and mountains again.
12. Sunday afternoon nap.
13. Karaoke extravaganza party and seeing ALL my San Francisco friends. (that's right... if you didn't come, you aren't my friend... lol)
14. Going to one of my fav. neighborhood bars in the castro.
So, the birthday week is not yet over. I have more activities planned for today and tomorrow before heading back to NYC on Wednesday... that is if it's still there. It seems the Cloverfield monster didn't leave much standing. That's okay though, because I can always come back to SF.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Why did the chicken cross the road?
... well, what do these people have to say?
DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER- CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER- CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
HYMN to PUMPKIN PIE by Grace Parra
Some, O divine pumpkin pie, argue the Patch was your place of birth,
Where pumpkins roam free as mountain beasts.
Others sing of the Kitchen, from whence your ingredients merged
As stars from distant galaxies dance together for Helios.
But I, swinging with might my heavy sword,
Lash at you with two swift thrusts.
Slice! Slice! I am Parra, goddess of the feast!
You quiver slightly as I probe, but for your loss I feel no remorse,
For of your temple you are no proper guard.
I drive my stake to your heart, hot from the conquer,
But with rapid force I plunge to your mercy.
"O nutmeg! O flaky crust of bliss!" I weep,
Honor banished and swordsmanship humbled. My nurse-mother
Gives me a sip of milky ambrosia, skim as the day is long.
Rejuvenated, my eyes flutter open, and quickly become wild with
Rage. I charge at her, armor at tow.
"Why? Why did not you warn me of the poison, the drug?"
"Would that I had never occupied the pie plate, never tasted its
buttery glutton." Thus I speak,
And my nurse-mother whispers an answer: "So that you might learn,
Child, the sinful source of such pleasures.
Many a soldier as you has blamed the Patch, the Kitchen.
But the true taste of pumpkin pie occurs within."
"I do not understand," I seethe, preparing my spade with the fury of
Far-shooting Apollon. "Its maker is to blame! Fair-wreathed Demeter
From whom life is spawn!"
"Its maker is you," she cries. "Until it touches your lips, pumpkin pie
it is not. It is merely a spherical vase of temptation."
I stagger forward, the weight of my armor curving my spine.
"Now I see. It is not the pie that tempts me, but me who tempts the
pie." Wresting with fate, I grasp my spade.
Knuckles as white as swan's down, I hurl the spade to my heart.
"And I shall tempt no more." My final blow has been delivered,
The sun has set for the last time. But the pie –
The pie she lingers, fit for remembrance and another song too.
Where pumpkins roam free as mountain beasts.
Others sing of the Kitchen, from whence your ingredients merged
As stars from distant galaxies dance together for Helios.
But I, swinging with might my heavy sword,
Lash at you with two swift thrusts.
Slice! Slice! I am Parra, goddess of the feast!
You quiver slightly as I probe, but for your loss I feel no remorse,
For of your temple you are no proper guard.
I drive my stake to your heart, hot from the conquer,
But with rapid force I plunge to your mercy.
"O nutmeg! O flaky crust of bliss!" I weep,
Honor banished and swordsmanship humbled. My nurse-mother
Gives me a sip of milky ambrosia, skim as the day is long.
Rejuvenated, my eyes flutter open, and quickly become wild with
Rage. I charge at her, armor at tow.
"Why? Why did not you warn me of the poison, the drug?"
"Would that I had never occupied the pie plate, never tasted its
buttery glutton." Thus I speak,
And my nurse-mother whispers an answer: "So that you might learn,
Child, the sinful source of such pleasures.
Many a soldier as you has blamed the Patch, the Kitchen.
But the true taste of pumpkin pie occurs within."
"I do not understand," I seethe, preparing my spade with the fury of
Far-shooting Apollon. "Its maker is to blame! Fair-wreathed Demeter
From whom life is spawn!"
"Its maker is you," she cries. "Until it touches your lips, pumpkin pie
it is not. It is merely a spherical vase of temptation."
I stagger forward, the weight of my armor curving my spine.
"Now I see. It is not the pie that tempts me, but me who tempts the
pie." Wresting with fate, I grasp my spade.
Knuckles as white as swan's down, I hurl the spade to my heart.
"And I shall tempt no more." My final blow has been delivered,
The sun has set for the last time. But the pie –
The pie she lingers, fit for remembrance and another song too.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Please support me...
I have just discovered that my "friend" Coco has demoted the link of my blog on her blog because I have not posted in two months. "Well, you haven't written in two months," you might say. BUT BUT BUT... I spoke with her last week, and she said if I didn't update, she would take down my link. I asked her to give me time. You see... I was in Boston last week with family for Thanksgiving... yes it was nice, but we have to talk about more important things... the state of my blog at http://anzifog.wordpress.com/
I just sent Coco an e-mail expressing my dismay at how little time she gave me to post an entry to my blog. She failed to consider that I had to immediately return to work upon my arrival back in NYC, AND that we are STILL searching for a new roommate, AND I am having computer issues that are causing me to spend lots of "free time" on the phone with tech support. (at least they're nice when they are wasting your time).
What I ask of you... Please visit Coco's blog at http://anzifog.wordpress.com/ and express your displeasure with her insensitive actions. If enough people can convince her that my blog is worth linking in the main links column, then perhaps she will realize how all too hasty her actions were. And then maybe, just maybe, she will fly out to NYC, and where I stand, she will approach on bended knee... in the cold rain... pleadingly stretch out her delicate arms as a single tear falls from the delicate triangular curve of her glistening eye onto the perfect curvature of her cheek apple where the cold, wet rain intermingles with the salty, bitter tear creating a stream of pure remorse which will fall onto the wet Earth with a resounding thud, and she will say, "I am so sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive such a cruel and unjust action. Time after time, I have fallen and you have caught me... time after time. Time after time I was lost, and you reminded me to look... and I found you... time after time. Oh, please forgive my transgression. I have restored your blog to its rightful place. I was only lost again. You asked your people to remind me to look. Now I have found you as I always do... time after time."
Then I shall say, "Thank you. All is now at peace. Now come inside and have a delicious cup of Mighty Leaf tea."
I just sent Coco an e-mail expressing my dismay at how little time she gave me to post an entry to my blog. She failed to consider that I had to immediately return to work upon my arrival back in NYC, AND that we are STILL searching for a new roommate, AND I am having computer issues that are causing me to spend lots of "free time" on the phone with tech support. (at least they're nice when they are wasting your time).
What I ask of you... Please visit Coco's blog at http://anzifog.wordpress.com/ and express your displeasure with her insensitive actions. If enough people can convince her that my blog is worth linking in the main links column, then perhaps she will realize how all too hasty her actions were. And then maybe, just maybe, she will fly out to NYC, and where I stand, she will approach on bended knee... in the cold rain... pleadingly stretch out her delicate arms as a single tear falls from the delicate triangular curve of her glistening eye onto the perfect curvature of her cheek apple where the cold, wet rain intermingles with the salty, bitter tear creating a stream of pure remorse which will fall onto the wet Earth with a resounding thud, and she will say, "I am so sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive such a cruel and unjust action. Time after time, I have fallen and you have caught me... time after time. Time after time I was lost, and you reminded me to look... and I found you... time after time. Oh, please forgive my transgression. I have restored your blog to its rightful place. I was only lost again. You asked your people to remind me to look. Now I have found you as I always do... time after time."
Then I shall say, "Thank you. All is now at peace. Now come inside and have a delicious cup of Mighty Leaf tea."
Oh... I have a blog?
Ten reasons why I haven't updated my blog in so long:
1. I don't know.
2. Computer problems resulting in my needing a new hard drive, a motherboard, memory cards, and a graphics card.
3. Haven't had time because of working small part-time jobs in addition to my regular full-time job- yeah! I STILL can't afford voice lessons.
4. I'd rather sleep than blog.
5. I feel a little bored yet constantly stressed with all the work I've been doing, and so I have little time for play which leads to experiencing events not really worth writing about.
6. One of my roommates is moving out, and so for the month of November, if I've been on my computer, it has been in order to find someone else to move in.
7. I am now having new computer issues. Spent 5 (FIVE) hours on the phone with Dell yesterday. Looks like I will have to reinstall Windows... YET AGAIN!!!
8. I am spending potential blogging time at the apple store looking for a Mac computer.
9. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to blog.
10. I am busy cleaning up the shattered remains of my PC which unexpectedly decided to commit suicide by thrusting itself out of my 5-story high window.
1. I don't know.
2. Computer problems resulting in my needing a new hard drive, a motherboard, memory cards, and a graphics card.
3. Haven't had time because of working small part-time jobs in addition to my regular full-time job- yeah! I STILL can't afford voice lessons.
4. I'd rather sleep than blog.
5. I feel a little bored yet constantly stressed with all the work I've been doing, and so I have little time for play which leads to experiencing events not really worth writing about.
6. One of my roommates is moving out, and so for the month of November, if I've been on my computer, it has been in order to find someone else to move in.
7. I am now having new computer issues. Spent 5 (FIVE) hours on the phone with Dell yesterday. Looks like I will have to reinstall Windows... YET AGAIN!!!
8. I am spending potential blogging time at the apple store looking for a Mac computer.
9. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to blog.
10. I am busy cleaning up the shattered remains of my PC which unexpectedly decided to commit suicide by thrusting itself out of my 5-story high window.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Good-bye Common Sense!
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
A Cover Letter from an Opera Singer
So the job I currently have does not pay all the bills. Plus, the schedule is completely incompatible with any opera company's rehearsal schedule. As a result, I am now looking for an office day job. I came up with a creative way of standing out among other applicants, and I thought I would share. Please read my cover letter template...
Dear Sir or Madam:
My goal in life is to be a rich and famous opera singer, but until the rich and famous part happens, I need a salary so that I can continue my vocal training, and I need health benefits so that I can see an ENT specialist regularly.
By hiring an opera singer (not just any opera singer, but me), you will gain an employee who is sophisticated, creative, charismatic, fast-learning, exceptionally detail-oriented, adept at performing tasks to the highest standard, and who can improvise, communicate effectively, play well with others, and take pride in his and others’ work. If I am having a stressful day and am feeling grumpy when I have to meet with clients, I can act! And at the end of the work day, I can graciously accept applause (and whatever flowers that may come my way).
Please do not allow my sense of humor to deceive you. I do know how to conduct myself appropriately in a professional office environment. I have had several positions which have given me quality experience that would make me a valuable asset to your company. As a result, I would be perfectly suited for the [Insert type of position here] position you are seeking to fill because I have had prior [Insert specific types of experience the employer is requesting] experience.
Please review my resume, and if it is to your liking, I would be most grateful to receive an invitation to interview.
Most sincerely,
The Opera Singer
Dear Sir or Madam:
My goal in life is to be a rich and famous opera singer, but until the rich and famous part happens, I need a salary so that I can continue my vocal training, and I need health benefits so that I can see an ENT specialist regularly.
By hiring an opera singer (not just any opera singer, but me), you will gain an employee who is sophisticated, creative, charismatic, fast-learning, exceptionally detail-oriented, adept at performing tasks to the highest standard, and who can improvise, communicate effectively, play well with others, and take pride in his and others’ work. If I am having a stressful day and am feeling grumpy when I have to meet with clients, I can act! And at the end of the work day, I can graciously accept applause (and whatever flowers that may come my way).
Please do not allow my sense of humor to deceive you. I do know how to conduct myself appropriately in a professional office environment. I have had several positions which have given me quality experience that would make me a valuable asset to your company. As a result, I would be perfectly suited for the [Insert type of position here] position you are seeking to fill because I have had prior [Insert specific types of experience the employer is requesting] experience.
Please review my resume, and if it is to your liking, I would be most grateful to receive an invitation to interview.
Most sincerely,
The Opera Singer
Monday, September 10, 2007
A Busy Celebrity Weekend
Before I begin my stories, I will let it be known that I am by no means celebrity- obsessed. I think it is exciting in a mildly fun way to see a celebrity. Usually, I will say to myself, "Oh! That is so and so! Cool." And then the moment has passed, and I tell everyone who I saw and then I share my interaction with that person. At my job, celebrities will come in every now and then, and because I am the door-person, it is highly likely that I will interact with our celebrity guests.
So we will begin with my interaction with celebrity #1. Friday night. I was standing at the host stand covering for my boss who had been taking tickets. He had just returned, and released me to go back to my position at the front door. As I was about to go to the front door, a very short, older gentleman (the celebrity whom I didn't recognize) walked through the doors by the host stand. I said, "Hello, sir. May I help you." He either ignored me or he didn't hear me because he continued to walk forward. Another member of his party came in from behind him, and I asked him for his tickets. He said, "We are on the guest list." I responded, "You have to have tickets to enter so you will need to get them from the box office." He complied, and I happily walked up to where the soda machine was so I could refill my drink before heading to the very front door. As I approached the doors by the host stand, my boss walked toward me, and smirked at me while saying, "You just asked Paul Simon for his tickets?!?" He laughs, "Next time, if someone like that (read: a celebrity) comes through, just let them in." I laughed at my mistake, and went to the front doors by the box office when the employees there began to laugh at me. They all pretty much said in unison, "You made Paul Simon's party come back to get their tickets?!?" I laughed again.
Let's move on to celebrity #2. Saturday night. The last show of the evening was a performance by Daniel Reichard who is/was one of the original Jersey Boys (a Broadway Show). That meant that most every guy who came into the venue was a muscled gay boy. This one group of about 5 muscled gay boys came in and were figuring out who had tickets and who needed them. I didn't hear the whole conversation because I was too busy looking at their perfectly sculpted bodies and thought about how they looked TOO perfect. So then I decided to entertain myself to see who was the least attractive. I was looking at the one that I thought was the winner of being the least attractive (and I will add that he wasn't ugly), and strangely, I found him to look slightly familiar. I shrugged it off, because I knew I didn't know him, but as soon as the group of guys sorted out their tickets, they went inside and one of the box office staff said to me, "Did you recognize Lance Bass (he used to sing with N'Sync)?" I replied, "Is that who that was? I thought he looked familiar." I will always know whenever his name is mentioned to me that I picked him as least attractive among his friends. I feel somewhat vindicated by that. You can be rich, you can be famous, you can have a career singing with mediocre talent, but I chose him as least attractive!
Celebrity #3 came by Sunday night. This time you will be happy to hear that I finally recognized this celebrity. I was directing the line and sending the patrons where they needed to go. Well, when I saw Jeremy Sisto (who played the bi-polar brother of Brenda on Six Feet Under), I was excited that I FINALLY recognized a celebrity, and then I thought, "Cool." I never had any verbal interaction with him. He never really spoke. He only seemed to gesticulate towards me. For example, at the end of the night when I was throwing everyone out, he politely half-bowed and smiled as if to say "Thank you and good-bye" without having to verbalize it. Maybe he thought I would recognize him if he spoke, or maybe he has the hots for me and was too shy to speak to me. I think that would be okay. You would understand if you were to ever have him flash that gorgeous smile of his at you personally from about a foot away.
Okay, that's all for now. Hope you were entertained!
So we will begin with my interaction with celebrity #1. Friday night. I was standing at the host stand covering for my boss who had been taking tickets. He had just returned, and released me to go back to my position at the front door. As I was about to go to the front door, a very short, older gentleman (the celebrity whom I didn't recognize) walked through the doors by the host stand. I said, "Hello, sir. May I help you." He either ignored me or he didn't hear me because he continued to walk forward. Another member of his party came in from behind him, and I asked him for his tickets. He said, "We are on the guest list." I responded, "You have to have tickets to enter so you will need to get them from the box office." He complied, and I happily walked up to where the soda machine was so I could refill my drink before heading to the very front door. As I approached the doors by the host stand, my boss walked toward me, and smirked at me while saying, "You just asked Paul Simon for his tickets?!?" He laughs, "Next time, if someone like that (read: a celebrity) comes through, just let them in." I laughed at my mistake, and went to the front doors by the box office when the employees there began to laugh at me. They all pretty much said in unison, "You made Paul Simon's party come back to get their tickets?!?" I laughed again.
Let's move on to celebrity #2. Saturday night. The last show of the evening was a performance by Daniel Reichard who is/was one of the original Jersey Boys (a Broadway Show). That meant that most every guy who came into the venue was a muscled gay boy. This one group of about 5 muscled gay boys came in and were figuring out who had tickets and who needed them. I didn't hear the whole conversation because I was too busy looking at their perfectly sculpted bodies and thought about how they looked TOO perfect. So then I decided to entertain myself to see who was the least attractive. I was looking at the one that I thought was the winner of being the least attractive (and I will add that he wasn't ugly), and strangely, I found him to look slightly familiar. I shrugged it off, because I knew I didn't know him, but as soon as the group of guys sorted out their tickets, they went inside and one of the box office staff said to me, "Did you recognize Lance Bass (he used to sing with N'Sync)?" I replied, "Is that who that was? I thought he looked familiar." I will always know whenever his name is mentioned to me that I picked him as least attractive among his friends. I feel somewhat vindicated by that. You can be rich, you can be famous, you can have a career singing with mediocre talent, but I chose him as least attractive!
Celebrity #3 came by Sunday night. This time you will be happy to hear that I finally recognized this celebrity. I was directing the line and sending the patrons where they needed to go. Well, when I saw Jeremy Sisto (who played the bi-polar brother of Brenda on Six Feet Under), I was excited that I FINALLY recognized a celebrity, and then I thought, "Cool." I never had any verbal interaction with him. He never really spoke. He only seemed to gesticulate towards me. For example, at the end of the night when I was throwing everyone out, he politely half-bowed and smiled as if to say "Thank you and good-bye" without having to verbalize it. Maybe he thought I would recognize him if he spoke, or maybe he has the hots for me and was too shy to speak to me. I think that would be okay. You would understand if you were to ever have him flash that gorgeous smile of his at you personally from about a foot away.
Okay, that's all for now. Hope you were entertained!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Free Rejection
So, my internet has been screwy the past week and a half. I thought I would update my blog by saying that I turned down the contract I was offered. I was very polite in my e-mail and said that at this time I couldn't afford to work for free. I also reminded them of my previous professional chorus work, and said that as a result I have gained as mush chorus experience as necessary so I no longer accept chorus work. Then I went on to say that I am ready for the next level of being a soloist. I told the company I was open to negotiate, but I felt it was important that they know what my professional needs are at this time. Then I finished the e-mail by saying what wonderful things I have heard about the company, and that if my needs couldn't be met at this time, I would be happy to audition again when they could meet my needs.
But as an addendum to this entry, I would like to add that if ALL us singers would decline gigs that don't pay, companies would have no choice but to offer some compensation. I had to pay (and still do) for my education and my professional training (adding up to over $50K) so why should I offer my professional services for free?
But as an addendum to this entry, I would like to add that if ALL us singers would decline gigs that don't pay, companies would have no choice but to offer some compensation. I had to pay (and still do) for my education and my professional training (adding up to over $50K) so why should I offer my professional services for free?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
To sing in a chorus for FREE?
So, after writing my blog entry last night, I sent an email to the opera company requesting what roles and compensation I would be offered in the Resident Artist Program. I got an e-mail today with my offer and a long contract. The roles they have offered are two chorus roles, and one understudy. The other roles for 2008 have yet to be assigned.
The contract goes into great length about how I need to be available at such and such times (15-35 hours a week), or how I can be fired if I change my appearance. Then there are the outreach concerts, but of course not everyone will get to participate, and then there are the Master Classes and Workshops which I am "encouraged" to attend, but if I am going to be absent, I must receive permission.
As usual, the compensation paragraph was vague. I will copy and paste it for you:
Compensation:
(Insert company name here) will not charge a fee nor pay a fee for the program as a whole. However, depending upon the assignments given, a contract may be issued and a fee may be paid (separately contracted role, “going on” as a cover, chorus on tour etc.). In any case the Resident Artist is an independent contractor not an employee of (Insert company name here).
WTF does that mean? I'm not going to get paid to sing in the chorus? I quit my job singing in the CHORUS of the SAN FRANCISCO OPERA to move to NYC to be a soloist. Had I stayed in the SF Opera chorus this year, I would have earned a minimum of $52,000. So, why should I sing in a chorus in NYC for FREE?!?!? Aside from the fact that I would have to take time off of work (i.e. lose money, too) in order to do it.
So, what's the point of the contract if there is no benefit for me?
The contract goes into great length about how I need to be available at such and such times (15-35 hours a week), or how I can be fired if I change my appearance. Then there are the outreach concerts, but of course not everyone will get to participate, and then there are the Master Classes and Workshops which I am "encouraged" to attend, but if I am going to be absent, I must receive permission.
As usual, the compensation paragraph was vague. I will copy and paste it for you:
Compensation:
(Insert company name here) will not charge a fee nor pay a fee for the program as a whole. However, depending upon the assignments given, a contract may be issued and a fee may be paid (separately contracted role, “going on” as a cover, chorus on tour etc.). In any case the Resident Artist is an independent contractor not an employee of (Insert company name here).
WTF does that mean? I'm not going to get paid to sing in the chorus? I quit my job singing in the CHORUS of the SAN FRANCISCO OPERA to move to NYC to be a soloist. Had I stayed in the SF Opera chorus this year, I would have earned a minimum of $52,000. So, why should I sing in a chorus in NYC for FREE?!?!? Aside from the fact that I would have to take time off of work (i.e. lose money, too) in order to do it.
So, what's the point of the contract if there is no benefit for me?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I got a singing gig.... but... where's my contract?
Is it just me, or is life moving in slow motion right now? And no matter what anyone does to fix it, it stays the same speed. I think the batteries in the remote control have died. Or the "resume normal speed" button is broken.
In any case, in June, I had an audition at a reputable opera company in the Upper East Side. It had all the fixings of an audition that would bring about a favorable outcome for me. What were they, you ask?
1. It was a call-back/ make-up audition for those who were too sick the first go-round. That was me. I was still recovering from pneumonia.
2. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being extremely self-confident, my level of self-confidence was at around 2.
3. While warming up at my house before leaving, I felt a tickle in my throat which quickly became a cough, which became a gag, which became the previous night's dinner in the kitchen sink.
4. My audition time was during morning time, i.e. before noon. That means, my voice was nowhere near 100% performance quality.
5. I sang a mediocre audition. The lyricism was good, but there was nothing really extraordinary about my singing... unless you count the warbling B-flat at the end of the aria.
So on my home, I was thinking about what a crappy day it had been. Little did I know, the events of my crappy audition day would yield a recipe for success.
A week later, I received an e-mail from this company wanting to know if I would still be interested in becoming a resident artist because this company wanted me to be one. I was so excited.
Fast forward three weeks. I get an e-mail saying asking for "us" to be patient as the panel was making its casting decisions. Once this is accomplished, contracts would be completed and mailed out... the next week. The next week came and went. No contract. At the end of the week, I get another e-mail stating that the contracts were written, but just needed the approval of the head man in charge. That was 2 weeks ago.
So my audition was about 7 weeks ago. I am STILL waiting on my friggin contract. And you know what, when performance time comes around, won't they be wondering why it's taking so long for everyone to learn and memorize their music. BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN AND MEMORIZE!!!!
The slow-motion thing is a vicious cycle. People... please do your part to speed things along to a reasonable pace.
In any case, in June, I had an audition at a reputable opera company in the Upper East Side. It had all the fixings of an audition that would bring about a favorable outcome for me. What were they, you ask?
1. It was a call-back/ make-up audition for those who were too sick the first go-round. That was me. I was still recovering from pneumonia.
2. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being extremely self-confident, my level of self-confidence was at around 2.
3. While warming up at my house before leaving, I felt a tickle in my throat which quickly became a cough, which became a gag, which became the previous night's dinner in the kitchen sink.
4. My audition time was during morning time, i.e. before noon. That means, my voice was nowhere near 100% performance quality.
5. I sang a mediocre audition. The lyricism was good, but there was nothing really extraordinary about my singing... unless you count the warbling B-flat at the end of the aria.
So on my home, I was thinking about what a crappy day it had been. Little did I know, the events of my crappy audition day would yield a recipe for success.
A week later, I received an e-mail from this company wanting to know if I would still be interested in becoming a resident artist because this company wanted me to be one. I was so excited.
Fast forward three weeks. I get an e-mail saying asking for "us" to be patient as the panel was making its casting decisions. Once this is accomplished, contracts would be completed and mailed out... the next week. The next week came and went. No contract. At the end of the week, I get another e-mail stating that the contracts were written, but just needed the approval of the head man in charge. That was 2 weeks ago.
So my audition was about 7 weeks ago. I am STILL waiting on my friggin contract. And you know what, when performance time comes around, won't they be wondering why it's taking so long for everyone to learn and memorize their music. BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN AND MEMORIZE!!!!
The slow-motion thing is a vicious cycle. People... please do your part to speed things along to a reasonable pace.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Knowing Someone
So, I haven't updated in a while because I got a job working at Joe's Pub. But not until after I pounded the pavement with my blood, sweat, and tears. After searching for a month, I discovered that all I had to do was one thing. I had to know someone who knows someone who knows someone. By the time I figured that out, I had my job. No resume. No interview. No drug test. I just had to know someone.
For more info on Joe's Pub, go to www.joespub.com.
For more info on Joe's Pub, go to www.joespub.com.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Plagiarism a la Coco
Coco left school, lovingly dubbed “poetry camp” Monday afternoon. "This residency had very curious undertones to it," which she thinks a few of them attributed to the full moon. "Poets are an interesting bunch of people," says Coco. One evening, as they danced in the school pub, she grinned, considering that at any given moment, one of them might break away to go write down a poem that had begun drafting itself internally on the dance floor. This semester looms ahead with some exciting poets in her future to read and with which to acquaint herself.
And now Coco is in New York. Which kind of feels like the time she was in Bangkok for a 20 hour layover between leaving Delhi and heading back to Marin. This isn’t her home and she's out of sorts a bit, but relishing in finding her way around NY. Coco and I ventured out to Yonkers today for a cook-in (weather not permitting outdoors) at her high school friend’s condo. For the next few hours, we drank and ate and laughed and played playstation and searched for more of her high school classmates on myspace. Her friend's window overlooks the Hudson river, colored grey today. Cheryl’s friend John had celebrated his 34th bday Monday, so we sang happy birthday and Coco fumbled pretty much all afternoon trying to get at least one side of a Rubik’s Cube colorfully intact. We ended up running to catch the train with six minutes on the books before it was to arrive: imagine five somewhat sloshed people running to the elevator, running up stairs and then running down them- Coco giggled the entire way. What a great independence day!
And now Coco is in New York. Which kind of feels like the time she was in Bangkok for a 20 hour layover between leaving Delhi and heading back to Marin. This isn’t her home and she's out of sorts a bit, but relishing in finding her way around NY. Coco and I ventured out to Yonkers today for a cook-in (weather not permitting outdoors) at her high school friend’s condo. For the next few hours, we drank and ate and laughed and played playstation and searched for more of her high school classmates on myspace. Her friend's window overlooks the Hudson river, colored grey today. Cheryl’s friend John had celebrated his 34th bday Monday, so we sang happy birthday and Coco fumbled pretty much all afternoon trying to get at least one side of a Rubik’s Cube colorfully intact. We ended up running to catch the train with six minutes on the books before it was to arrive: imagine five somewhat sloshed people running to the elevator, running up stairs and then running down them- Coco giggled the entire way. What a great independence day!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
An e-mail to a friend
I got such a kick out of an e-mail that I sent to a friend today, that I thought I would post it here on my blog. What began as cynical turned into something very comical for me as I wrote it. How therapeutic, right? Anyway, enjoy!
************************************************************************
So... K.
I have to find a crappy job. One that is meaningless. One that will suck the life out of me and turn me into vapid shell of a person. One that will cause my heart and blood vessels to shrivel and dry out only to be blown away in the wind as dust. One that will cause my eyeballs to roll back into my sockets and up into the cavity of my skull where my evaporated brain used to be. One that will cause blisters, boils and callouses to form on my hands and feet. One that will cause so much pain and Hell that sitting through a 3 hour long concert of Natalie Merchant's singing will seem like peaceful, unadulterated bliss.
BUT! I digress...
In my search for a crappy, meaningless, life sucking, circulatory system drying, brain evaporation, eye-rolling, etc. job, I will need references in order to prove my abilities at such daunting tasks as the following:
1. Asking, "What can I get for you to drink today?"
2. Bringing said beverage to table.
3. Writing down on paper what a person wants to eat.
4. Bring said food to table.
5. Collecting payment.
Now, I KNOW that on several occasions, I must have done several of these arduous tasks for you or near you. I haven't ever written down what you want to eat, but you have seen me read and write haven't you? Anyway, it is my hope that you have witnessed such events because I would like to ask you if it would be okay for me to list you as a reference on my job applications. I would list you as a former classmate/ friend.
Soon to be souless,
The Opera Singer
************************************************************************
So... K.
I have to find a crappy job. One that is meaningless. One that will suck the life out of me and turn me into vapid shell of a person. One that will cause my heart and blood vessels to shrivel and dry out only to be blown away in the wind as dust. One that will cause my eyeballs to roll back into my sockets and up into the cavity of my skull where my evaporated brain used to be. One that will cause blisters, boils and callouses to form on my hands and feet. One that will cause so much pain and Hell that sitting through a 3 hour long concert of Natalie Merchant's singing will seem like peaceful, unadulterated bliss.
BUT! I digress...
In my search for a crappy, meaningless, life sucking, circulatory system drying, brain evaporation, eye-rolling, etc. job, I will need references in order to prove my abilities at such daunting tasks as the following:
1. Asking, "What can I get for you to drink today?"
2. Bringing said beverage to table.
3. Writing down on paper what a person wants to eat.
4. Bring said food to table.
5. Collecting payment.
Now, I KNOW that on several occasions, I must have done several of these arduous tasks for you or near you. I haven't ever written down what you want to eat, but you have seen me read and write haven't you? Anyway, it is my hope that you have witnessed such events because I would like to ask you if it would be okay for me to list you as a reference on my job applications. I would list you as a former classmate/ friend.
Soon to be souless,
The Opera Singer
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
So here's what's up...
Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
You are sad because of your grief
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What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
Your element is Light. Your heart is pure and shining with love. You believe in the goodness of those around you and give almost everyone a smile. You are not the kind to hide your happiness and tend to smile all day long, both in and out. But when sadness hits you, you become very devastated and may be upset for quite some time. What you need in your life is friends, friends who will love you unconditionally, like you love them. But you have a naive nature and don't always notice when someone is trying to hurt you. Some would say you are oblivious to mean people, which makes you an easy target. However, your true friends will probably be there for you and save you. In school you are either the popular one or the little weird one. It all depends if "the higher people" find your caring side irritating or not. Nevertheless, you have a bubbly personality and are social. Big partys may not be your thing since you want bonding time with your friends, so slumber-partys fit you more. You like the happy things in life and like everyone else to be as happy as you are.
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Saturday, May 19, 2007
Mid-May Update
I'm still alive. I just haven't updated in a while. My grandmother from Cailfornia is arriving today and she will be visiting for a week. That should be fun!
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Springtime spiritualism
I have to say that springtime in NYC is beautiful. I love seeing all the vegetation blossom and bloom with all the greens, pinks, yellows, and even purples. I walked by Central Park today and it was gorgeous. One thing lacking from San Francisco was an obvious change of seasons, so being in New York and witnessing the change from winter to spring has really awakened an appreciative fascination within me. It's almost as if I'm seeing it for the first time.
And as I walk around Mid-Town, I can sense the collective excitement in all the people that winter is finally over and the season of new life and new birth is upon us.
As part of my exploration of the city this past week, I finally went to the Chapel of Sacred Mirrors. My aunt in SF recommended this place to me right after I moved here, and I finally went. You can check out the information at this website: www.cosm.org
The Chapel of Sacred Mirrors is an art gallery that presents the work of artist Alex Grey. His work is done in a purely spiritual context. I recommend checking it out as it had a deep effect on me. The Chapel is also a spiritual haven of sorts. The artist and his wife hold events there which one can find on the web site.
If anyone reading this entry would like to recommend a location for me to visit, please do so. I'm eager to learn more about this city and what it has to offer!
And as I walk around Mid-Town, I can sense the collective excitement in all the people that winter is finally over and the season of new life and new birth is upon us.
As part of my exploration of the city this past week, I finally went to the Chapel of Sacred Mirrors. My aunt in SF recommended this place to me right after I moved here, and I finally went. You can check out the information at this website: www.cosm.org
The Chapel of Sacred Mirrors is an art gallery that presents the work of artist Alex Grey. His work is done in a purely spiritual context. I recommend checking it out as it had a deep effect on me. The Chapel is also a spiritual haven of sorts. The artist and his wife hold events there which one can find on the web site.
If anyone reading this entry would like to recommend a location for me to visit, please do so. I'm eager to learn more about this city and what it has to offer!
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