... well, what do these people have to say?
DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER- CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
HYMN to PUMPKIN PIE by Grace Parra
Some, O divine pumpkin pie, argue the Patch was your place of birth,
Where pumpkins roam free as mountain beasts.
Others sing of the Kitchen, from whence your ingredients merged
As stars from distant galaxies dance together for Helios.
But I, swinging with might my heavy sword,
Lash at you with two swift thrusts.
Slice! Slice! I am Parra, goddess of the feast!
You quiver slightly as I probe, but for your loss I feel no remorse,
For of your temple you are no proper guard.
I drive my stake to your heart, hot from the conquer,
But with rapid force I plunge to your mercy.
"O nutmeg! O flaky crust of bliss!" I weep,
Honor banished and swordsmanship humbled. My nurse-mother
Gives me a sip of milky ambrosia, skim as the day is long.
Rejuvenated, my eyes flutter open, and quickly become wild with
Rage. I charge at her, armor at tow.
"Why? Why did not you warn me of the poison, the drug?"
"Would that I had never occupied the pie plate, never tasted its
buttery glutton." Thus I speak,
And my nurse-mother whispers an answer: "So that you might learn,
Child, the sinful source of such pleasures.
Many a soldier as you has blamed the Patch, the Kitchen.
But the true taste of pumpkin pie occurs within."
"I do not understand," I seethe, preparing my spade with the fury of
Far-shooting Apollon. "Its maker is to blame! Fair-wreathed Demeter
From whom life is spawn!"
"Its maker is you," she cries. "Until it touches your lips, pumpkin pie
it is not. It is merely a spherical vase of temptation."
I stagger forward, the weight of my armor curving my spine.
"Now I see. It is not the pie that tempts me, but me who tempts the
pie." Wresting with fate, I grasp my spade.
Knuckles as white as swan's down, I hurl the spade to my heart.
"And I shall tempt no more." My final blow has been delivered,
The sun has set for the last time. But the pie –
The pie she lingers, fit for remembrance and another song too.
Where pumpkins roam free as mountain beasts.
Others sing of the Kitchen, from whence your ingredients merged
As stars from distant galaxies dance together for Helios.
But I, swinging with might my heavy sword,
Lash at you with two swift thrusts.
Slice! Slice! I am Parra, goddess of the feast!
You quiver slightly as I probe, but for your loss I feel no remorse,
For of your temple you are no proper guard.
I drive my stake to your heart, hot from the conquer,
But with rapid force I plunge to your mercy.
"O nutmeg! O flaky crust of bliss!" I weep,
Honor banished and swordsmanship humbled. My nurse-mother
Gives me a sip of milky ambrosia, skim as the day is long.
Rejuvenated, my eyes flutter open, and quickly become wild with
Rage. I charge at her, armor at tow.
"Why? Why did not you warn me of the poison, the drug?"
"Would that I had never occupied the pie plate, never tasted its
buttery glutton." Thus I speak,
And my nurse-mother whispers an answer: "So that you might learn,
Child, the sinful source of such pleasures.
Many a soldier as you has blamed the Patch, the Kitchen.
But the true taste of pumpkin pie occurs within."
"I do not understand," I seethe, preparing my spade with the fury of
Far-shooting Apollon. "Its maker is to blame! Fair-wreathed Demeter
From whom life is spawn!"
"Its maker is you," she cries. "Until it touches your lips, pumpkin pie
it is not. It is merely a spherical vase of temptation."
I stagger forward, the weight of my armor curving my spine.
"Now I see. It is not the pie that tempts me, but me who tempts the
pie." Wresting with fate, I grasp my spade.
Knuckles as white as swan's down, I hurl the spade to my heart.
"And I shall tempt no more." My final blow has been delivered,
The sun has set for the last time. But the pie –
The pie she lingers, fit for remembrance and another song too.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Please support me...
I have just discovered that my "friend" Coco has demoted the link of my blog on her blog because I have not posted in two months. "Well, you haven't written in two months," you might say. BUT BUT BUT... I spoke with her last week, and she said if I didn't update, she would take down my link. I asked her to give me time. You see... I was in Boston last week with family for Thanksgiving... yes it was nice, but we have to talk about more important things... the state of my blog at http://anzifog.wordpress.com/
I just sent Coco an e-mail expressing my dismay at how little time she gave me to post an entry to my blog. She failed to consider that I had to immediately return to work upon my arrival back in NYC, AND that we are STILL searching for a new roommate, AND I am having computer issues that are causing me to spend lots of "free time" on the phone with tech support. (at least they're nice when they are wasting your time).
What I ask of you... Please visit Coco's blog at http://anzifog.wordpress.com/ and express your displeasure with her insensitive actions. If enough people can convince her that my blog is worth linking in the main links column, then perhaps she will realize how all too hasty her actions were. And then maybe, just maybe, she will fly out to NYC, and where I stand, she will approach on bended knee... in the cold rain... pleadingly stretch out her delicate arms as a single tear falls from the delicate triangular curve of her glistening eye onto the perfect curvature of her cheek apple where the cold, wet rain intermingles with the salty, bitter tear creating a stream of pure remorse which will fall onto the wet Earth with a resounding thud, and she will say, "I am so sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive such a cruel and unjust action. Time after time, I have fallen and you have caught me... time after time. Time after time I was lost, and you reminded me to look... and I found you... time after time. Oh, please forgive my transgression. I have restored your blog to its rightful place. I was only lost again. You asked your people to remind me to look. Now I have found you as I always do... time after time."
Then I shall say, "Thank you. All is now at peace. Now come inside and have a delicious cup of Mighty Leaf tea."
I just sent Coco an e-mail expressing my dismay at how little time she gave me to post an entry to my blog. She failed to consider that I had to immediately return to work upon my arrival back in NYC, AND that we are STILL searching for a new roommate, AND I am having computer issues that are causing me to spend lots of "free time" on the phone with tech support. (at least they're nice when they are wasting your time).
What I ask of you... Please visit Coco's blog at http://anzifog.wordpress.com/ and express your displeasure with her insensitive actions. If enough people can convince her that my blog is worth linking in the main links column, then perhaps she will realize how all too hasty her actions were. And then maybe, just maybe, she will fly out to NYC, and where I stand, she will approach on bended knee... in the cold rain... pleadingly stretch out her delicate arms as a single tear falls from the delicate triangular curve of her glistening eye onto the perfect curvature of her cheek apple where the cold, wet rain intermingles with the salty, bitter tear creating a stream of pure remorse which will fall onto the wet Earth with a resounding thud, and she will say, "I am so sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive such a cruel and unjust action. Time after time, I have fallen and you have caught me... time after time. Time after time I was lost, and you reminded me to look... and I found you... time after time. Oh, please forgive my transgression. I have restored your blog to its rightful place. I was only lost again. You asked your people to remind me to look. Now I have found you as I always do... time after time."
Then I shall say, "Thank you. All is now at peace. Now come inside and have a delicious cup of Mighty Leaf tea."
Oh... I have a blog?
Ten reasons why I haven't updated my blog in so long:
1. I don't know.
2. Computer problems resulting in my needing a new hard drive, a motherboard, memory cards, and a graphics card.
3. Haven't had time because of working small part-time jobs in addition to my regular full-time job- yeah! I STILL can't afford voice lessons.
4. I'd rather sleep than blog.
5. I feel a little bored yet constantly stressed with all the work I've been doing, and so I have little time for play which leads to experiencing events not really worth writing about.
6. One of my roommates is moving out, and so for the month of November, if I've been on my computer, it has been in order to find someone else to move in.
7. I am now having new computer issues. Spent 5 (FIVE) hours on the phone with Dell yesterday. Looks like I will have to reinstall Windows... YET AGAIN!!!
8. I am spending potential blogging time at the apple store looking for a Mac computer.
9. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to blog.
10. I am busy cleaning up the shattered remains of my PC which unexpectedly decided to commit suicide by thrusting itself out of my 5-story high window.
1. I don't know.
2. Computer problems resulting in my needing a new hard drive, a motherboard, memory cards, and a graphics card.
3. Haven't had time because of working small part-time jobs in addition to my regular full-time job- yeah! I STILL can't afford voice lessons.
4. I'd rather sleep than blog.
5. I feel a little bored yet constantly stressed with all the work I've been doing, and so I have little time for play which leads to experiencing events not really worth writing about.
6. One of my roommates is moving out, and so for the month of November, if I've been on my computer, it has been in order to find someone else to move in.
7. I am now having new computer issues. Spent 5 (FIVE) hours on the phone with Dell yesterday. Looks like I will have to reinstall Windows... YET AGAIN!!!
8. I am spending potential blogging time at the apple store looking for a Mac computer.
9. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to blog.
10. I am busy cleaning up the shattered remains of my PC which unexpectedly decided to commit suicide by thrusting itself out of my 5-story high window.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Good-bye Common Sense!
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
A Cover Letter from an Opera Singer
So the job I currently have does not pay all the bills. Plus, the schedule is completely incompatible with any opera company's rehearsal schedule. As a result, I am now looking for an office day job. I came up with a creative way of standing out among other applicants, and I thought I would share. Please read my cover letter template...
Dear Sir or Madam:
My goal in life is to be a rich and famous opera singer, but until the rich and famous part happens, I need a salary so that I can continue my vocal training, and I need health benefits so that I can see an ENT specialist regularly.
By hiring an opera singer (not just any opera singer, but me), you will gain an employee who is sophisticated, creative, charismatic, fast-learning, exceptionally detail-oriented, adept at performing tasks to the highest standard, and who can improvise, communicate effectively, play well with others, and take pride in his and others’ work. If I am having a stressful day and am feeling grumpy when I have to meet with clients, I can act! And at the end of the work day, I can graciously accept applause (and whatever flowers that may come my way).
Please do not allow my sense of humor to deceive you. I do know how to conduct myself appropriately in a professional office environment. I have had several positions which have given me quality experience that would make me a valuable asset to your company. As a result, I would be perfectly suited for the [Insert type of position here] position you are seeking to fill because I have had prior [Insert specific types of experience the employer is requesting] experience.
Please review my resume, and if it is to your liking, I would be most grateful to receive an invitation to interview.
Most sincerely,
The Opera Singer
Dear Sir or Madam:
My goal in life is to be a rich and famous opera singer, but until the rich and famous part happens, I need a salary so that I can continue my vocal training, and I need health benefits so that I can see an ENT specialist regularly.
By hiring an opera singer (not just any opera singer, but me), you will gain an employee who is sophisticated, creative, charismatic, fast-learning, exceptionally detail-oriented, adept at performing tasks to the highest standard, and who can improvise, communicate effectively, play well with others, and take pride in his and others’ work. If I am having a stressful day and am feeling grumpy when I have to meet with clients, I can act! And at the end of the work day, I can graciously accept applause (and whatever flowers that may come my way).
Please do not allow my sense of humor to deceive you. I do know how to conduct myself appropriately in a professional office environment. I have had several positions which have given me quality experience that would make me a valuable asset to your company. As a result, I would be perfectly suited for the [Insert type of position here] position you are seeking to fill because I have had prior [Insert specific types of experience the employer is requesting] experience.
Please review my resume, and if it is to your liking, I would be most grateful to receive an invitation to interview.
Most sincerely,
The Opera Singer
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