Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Good-bye Common Sense!

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

A Cover Letter from an Opera Singer

So the job I currently have does not pay all the bills. Plus, the schedule is completely incompatible with any opera company's rehearsal schedule. As a result, I am now looking for an office day job. I came up with a creative way of standing out among other applicants, and I thought I would share. Please read my cover letter template...

Dear Sir or Madam:

My goal in life is to be a rich and famous opera singer, but until the rich and famous part happens, I need a salary so that I can continue my vocal training, and I need health benefits so that I can see an ENT specialist regularly.

By hiring an opera singer (not just any opera singer, but me), you will gain an employee who is sophisticated, creative, charismatic, fast-learning, exceptionally detail-oriented, adept at performing tasks to the highest standard, and who can improvise, communicate effectively, play well with others, and take pride in his and others’ work. If I am having a stressful day and am feeling grumpy when I have to meet with clients, I can act! And at the end of the work day, I can graciously accept applause (and whatever flowers that may come my way).

Please do not allow my sense of humor to deceive you. I do know how to conduct myself appropriately in a professional office environment. I have had several positions which have given me quality experience that would make me a valuable asset to your company. As a result, I would be perfectly suited for the [Insert type of position here] position you are seeking to fill because I have had prior [Insert specific types of experience the employer is requesting] experience.

Please review my resume, and if it is to your liking, I would be most grateful to receive an invitation to interview.

Most sincerely,
The Opera Singer

Monday, September 10, 2007

A Busy Celebrity Weekend

Before I begin my stories, I will let it be known that I am by no means celebrity- obsessed. I think it is exciting in a mildly fun way to see a celebrity. Usually, I will say to myself, "Oh! That is so and so! Cool." And then the moment has passed, and I tell everyone who I saw and then I share my interaction with that person. At my job, celebrities will come in every now and then, and because I am the door-person, it is highly likely that I will interact with our celebrity guests.

So we will begin with my interaction with celebrity #1. Friday night. I was standing at the host stand covering for my boss who had been taking tickets. He had just returned, and released me to go back to my position at the front door. As I was about to go to the front door, a very short, older gentleman (the celebrity whom I didn't recognize) walked through the doors by the host stand. I said, "Hello, sir. May I help you." He either ignored me or he didn't hear me because he continued to walk forward. Another member of his party came in from behind him, and I asked him for his tickets. He said, "We are on the guest list." I responded, "You have to have tickets to enter so you will need to get them from the box office." He complied, and I happily walked up to where the soda machine was so I could refill my drink before heading to the very front door. As I approached the doors by the host stand, my boss walked toward me, and smirked at me while saying, "You just asked Paul Simon for his tickets?!?" He laughs, "Next time, if someone like that (read: a celebrity) comes through, just let them in." I laughed at my mistake, and went to the front doors by the box office when the employees there began to laugh at me. They all pretty much said in unison, "You made Paul Simon's party come back to get their tickets?!?" I laughed again.

Let's move on to celebrity #2. Saturday night. The last show of the evening was a performance by Daniel Reichard who is/was one of the original Jersey Boys (a Broadway Show). That meant that most every guy who came into the venue was a muscled gay boy. This one group of about 5 muscled gay boys came in and were figuring out who had tickets and who needed them. I didn't hear the whole conversation because I was too busy looking at their perfectly sculpted bodies and thought about how they looked TOO perfect. So then I decided to entertain myself to see who was the least attractive. I was looking at the one that I thought was the winner of being the least attractive (and I will add that he wasn't ugly), and strangely, I found him to look slightly familiar. I shrugged it off, because I knew I didn't know him, but as soon as the group of guys sorted out their tickets, they went inside and one of the box office staff said to me, "Did you recognize Lance Bass (he used to sing with N'Sync)?" I replied, "Is that who that was? I thought he looked familiar." I will always know whenever his name is mentioned to me that I picked him as least attractive among his friends. I feel somewhat vindicated by that. You can be rich, you can be famous, you can have a career singing with mediocre talent, but I chose him as least attractive!

Celebrity #3 came by Sunday night. This time you will be happy to hear that I finally recognized this celebrity. I was directing the line and sending the patrons where they needed to go. Well, when I saw Jeremy Sisto (who played the bi-polar brother of Brenda on Six Feet Under), I was excited that I FINALLY recognized a celebrity, and then I thought, "Cool." I never had any verbal interaction with him. He never really spoke. He only seemed to gesticulate towards me. For example, at the end of the night when I was throwing everyone out, he politely half-bowed and smiled as if to say "Thank you and good-bye" without having to verbalize it. Maybe he thought I would recognize him if he spoke, or maybe he has the hots for me and was too shy to speak to me. I think that would be okay. You would understand if you were to ever have him flash that gorgeous smile of his at you personally from about a foot away.

Okay, that's all for now. Hope you were entertained!

Wherefore art thou...?