An e-mail to a friend

I got such a kick out of an e-mail that I sent to a friend today, that I thought I would post it here on my blog. What began as cynical turned into something very comical for me as I wrote it. How therapeutic, right? Anyway, enjoy!

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So... K.

I have to find a crappy job. One that is meaningless. One that will suck the life out of me and turn me into vapid shell of a person. One that will cause my heart and blood vessels to shrivel and dry out only to be blown away in the wind as dust. One that will cause my eyeballs to roll back into my sockets and up into the cavity of my skull where my evaporated brain used to be. One that will cause blisters, boils and callouses to form on my hands and feet. One that will cause so much pain and Hell that sitting through a 3 hour long concert of Natalie Merchant's singing will seem like peaceful, unadulterated bliss.

BUT! I digress...

In my search for a crappy, meaningless, life sucking, circulatory system drying, brain evaporation, eye-rolling, etc. job, I will need references in order to prove my abilities at such daunting tasks as the following:
1. Asking, "What can I get for you to drink today?"
2. Bringing said beverage to table.
3. Writing down on paper what a person wants to eat.
4. Bring said food to table.
5. Collecting payment.

Now, I KNOW that on several occasions, I must have done several of these arduous tasks for you or near you. I haven't ever written down what you want to eat, but you have seen me read and write haven't you? Anyway, it is my hope that you have witnessed such events because I would like to ask you if it would be okay for me to list you as a reference on my job applications. I would list you as a former classmate/ friend.

Soon to be souless,
The Opera Singer