Thursday, April 26, 2007

Um... Fear?

Wow. Just wow. It's like my life just lead up to this moment. Have you ever been to a wax museum? Imagine it. You are inside looking at all the cool wax figures, and they are all set up in some type of atmosphere reflecting their respective roles in society. Movie Stars are at a party, political figures are standing by their nations flag, singers are on some type of faux stage-like thing. It all looks really cool, and you can't get over how life-like the figures are. Then you come to the Hall Of Horrors, BUT there is a sign directing you down a more pleasant path should you chose to avoid the Hall of Horrors. Well, for me, there was no sign. I didn't realize I was in the Hall of Horrors until I was already inside. But the wax museum Hall of Horrors is still somewhat predictable. You've all seen the Friday the 13th movies, Nightmare on Elm Street, Frankenstein, etc. So, it's not that scary. But when it is YOUR life represented in that Hall of Horrors, and every imaginable fear of yours is in it, then it becomes unpleasant. Even more so because life isn't always predictable. We haven't seen that movie before. And sometimes, we aren't given a detour so we have no choice but to face the demons inside. All we can do is pray that there is an exit.

Allow me to explain. As each passing day has gone by, my life has gotten further and further away from the life that I want for myself. In fact, my life right now is just the opposite of what I want for myself, and in fact, each aspect of my life reflects some huge fear that I have. I will list them:

1. I fear having to live in a city in which I don't have any true desire to live.
2. I fear being in a state of isolation (physical distance) from my friends and family.
3. I fear being constantly ill so that I am prevented from singing my best.
4. I fear not being able (for whatever reasons) to pursue my solo career.
5. I fear having to put most of my efforts and energy into searching for a meaningless, worthless, mundane, boring office (or any other non-singing type) job.
6. I fear my dreams becoming unattainable for me.
7. I fear being broke.
8. I fear that God hates me and is punishing me for being a good person.
9. I fear that my life will remain stuck in this hellhole state for the rest of my days.
10. I fear everything getting worse to the point where I mentally crack and go insane.
11. I fear not being strong enough to overcome my adversities.
12. I fear hating my life forever.
13. I fear sacrificing everything for my dreams to get nothing in return to show for it.

These things are ALL happening RIGHT NOW!!!! Plus a few more, but I only listed the main ones. Number 7 occurred today as a result of my bank putting a 10-day hold on the check which supplies my main and only source of income. They didn't tell me either. I paid bills against that money. I was charged fees on top of fees which I made my bank refund. The stupid thing is that the bank will release my funds on Monday... $800. But you see, I need that money NOW. But as a result, I now get to face what it is like to be flat broke while I have the displeasure of experiencing all of my other fears at the same time. The ONLY bright side to all of this is that I had squirreled away my rent money in my savings account. Otherwise, the evil Bank of America would have taken that too. They took ALL the money in my checking account and FROZE it!!! FOR NO REASON!!!

SOOOOOO, as any sane person would, I quickly became insane and proceeded to have a nervous breakdown in the shower... which quickly turned into a cold shower to make matters worse. The nervous breakdown has lasted all day. I am still shaking. And I randomly begin crying at intermittent points throughout the day. And yes, with each passing day, I can see my dreams of being an opera soloist fading away in the light of my other fears. I had to stop watching an opera performance on PBS because I began to cry. It was too painful to watch something I love so much and I feel I will never get to do... again... in the light of my other fears. My back is tense, and I feel extremely jumpy. It's like I'm being constantly pumped full of adrenaline.

So, I would say I am having a really bad day. I would say that until my life changes dramatically for the better, I will be having a lot of bad days. But I am being FORCED to face my fears. ALL of them. I said to my friend on the phone tonight that all that's left to happen is that my bank decides to take my rent money, and then I get evicted as a result which would force me to move back to TN to live with my parents. I'm sure I'd go straight to the mental institution once I got there though. And not to be morbid, or to sound suicidal (because I am not), but in the light of all this fear, I strangely don't fear death. I think I faced that one when I came down with pneumonia a few weeks ago.

So here I am faced with extremely BAD circumstances for me. Again, I am not suicidal. I don't know if I would be classified as clinically depressed, but it would be hard not to be depressed given the circumstances. So, I have to say one last thing before I end this entry. It will make me feel so much better to say it, especially to such a public audience:

When I moved here, I thought my life would improve. I had hoped to jump into the singing and get the ball rolling. No such luck. Based on the current circumstances of my life, and considering that I am living each one of my fears day-to-day ALL the time... I HATE my life as it stands in this moment. I despise every circumstance surrounding me. I HATE each fear confronting me. My life abhorrently sucks right now. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE everything (but not everyone... just to clarify). My life is AWFUL and the complete opposite of the life that I want and deserve.

I will plan a more positive message for tomorrow. But for now, consider this lesson: What are your fears, and what would you do if your life reflected most all of them?

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